The breathing/relaxation exercise we did today took me through a gamut of emotions. I could literally feel the pain of a few people in my life and when I thought about what they potentially needed from me and the way I had chosen to respond, I felt ill. As the exercise walked us through thinking about it, clarity started to force it’s way in and I saw behavior choices they were making in a different light; I understood more what they were needing and feeling. It’s not that I wasn’t quite aware before, it’s that pain and emotion is sometimes hard for me to face so I’d rather not. Instead of waiting to feel strong enough to work through it, I wonder if, similar to breaking through the creativity barrier, I need to keep pushing through. Feeling the pain, sorrow, loss, disappointment, fear, and any other “negative” aspect is important since it helps us also feel and perhaps more greatly appreciate the “positives” in life (I rarely cry, but I’m bawling now recalling the feelings from today and some fear/loss I’ve been packing around and not wanting to feel/examine/think about/deal with – I have a hard time allowing myself to not be strong, to give in and cry so admitting it is very hard, but I am in the moment and I don’t want to ignore it or lie to any of you even though I’m uncomfortable).
On the flip side, earlier today I found myself moving from teary eyes (wouldn’t allow myself the luxury of crying in class today) to huge, genuine, mood lifting smiles when I was thinking about people who bring warm thought. Mindful we were presenting very soon, I named each of Cohort XI in my mind and brought their smiling face into my focus, then did the same for Cohort XII and the professors who’ve provided such an amazing program for us to be a part of – I felt more strength and peace than I had felt for quite awhile.
I didn’t enjoy the writing style of the book Radical Presence (for the most part), but I did highlight several key phrases which spoke to me (and from class discussions several others of you):
“Transformation happens in the badgering and the bothering…; it happens as well on the ground of silence” (p.30). This reminds me of Karen and her “mucking around” statements in that transformation takes work, maybe some mistakes, adjustments, in other words it is active, not passive.
“Paradox, humor, and play pull us out of our stale mental worlds and into the now” (p.30) Laughing makes me feel genuinely good almost instantaneously and playfulness is so important at all ages!
Perhaps most important is the idea of “radical presence—to come home to your heart and listen deeply to others who look for you there—someone must first listen to you”, which reminds me to not just be physically here for others but wholly here, even when it sometimes brings raw emotions that take a lot out of a person (p.16).
Does society really do a good job of teaching people how to effectively feel and deal with emotions? How do people develop coping skills? When we are “strong” for our family and friends, is it beneficial for them?
I have an expression for the too-many times I have been "strong" for family and friends--but let's be honest, the strength is usually for me. Anyway, I call it "ducking-up" because I don't let my feathers get wet; the water is repelled by not feeling through my feelings. I can tell that you are practiced at ducking-up, too. Isn't it wonderful to feel that cold water penetrate occasionally and actually make you shiver? Such openness to deep emotions is rejuvenating. I have to remember that each time my feathers begin to repel those emotions.
ReplyDeleteOkay at least I'm not the only one who felt tears coming and going today, I wish I was as eloquent with words as you, Beau , Meg and the others but I feel the same. I feel so lucky to have met all of you and formed a friendship and a bond that is very important to me. I think we will all remember this experience and have changed from it in many wonderful ways. We are all each others rainbows :)
ReplyDelete