It is Better to Give than to Receive

When approaching this assignment the thing that kept running through my head is, “When can I fit this day of compassion into my schedule?”   I kept thinking of all my deadlines and meeting with my major professor on Friday, so Saturday was an obvious choice for me!  I intended to start my day with some quiet meditation (to get my mind and heart focused on being compassionate), but my husband woke up earlier than I thought and I felt after my business all week I should make an effort to spend time with him.  After all, he had done all the shopping, cooking and cleaning with my son Josh this week to help me out.  He did all this even though he has had a very busy week preparing to speak on Sunday and organizing a camp in August.

He asked if I wanted to exercise with him which I didn’t really want to do, but need to do and in order to help him keep on track with his fitness goals I joined him.  It was actually really fun and I found myself smiling and using more energy and enthusiasm than usual.  (Did I mention I don’t really like exercising-I’m just glad when I’m done, but I do enjoy spending time with my husband)

I had to drive up to Newport, WA (a 3 hour drive) to pick up my daughter.  Normally I would have asked my husband to go with me, but since I knew he was feeling a little bit stressed out I didn’t even ask.  I knew he’d appreciate the uninterrupted time to prepare for and practice his sermon.

As I was driving and listening to music I was praying for my kids (15 Beka and 17 Caleb) in LA at the Dream Center by Skid Row.  I was thinking about the people they would encounter and prayed that they would bring hope and be able to impact their lives. My son posted on facebook that it had been life-changing so far, so I know that he is receiving much more than he gives!

I also was praying for a friend who’s aunt passed away from cancer this week.  This friend had a really rough childhood and her aunt was like her mom (rock).  It was incredibly painful for her and she had posted on facebook that she was struggling.  First I called my husband to see if we should do something for them.  I offered to call them and arranged to bring them dinner when I got back into town. 

After picking up my 13 year old daughter and her friend we went to the Olive Garden.  We all ordered the all you can eat soup, salad and bread.  We each had three bowls of soup and they brought 5-6 baskets of breadsticks.  Our waiter was very attentive and we were treated very well even though we only ordered $24 worth of food (we all drank water J).  We were joking about how when we ordered the all you can eat meal, he probably didn’t realize how much the three of us would eat.  We were talking about how he deserved a good tip and her friend asked me how much I usually tip.  I told her at least 20%, but sometimes more.  She asked if I had ever tipped as much as the food.  I asked the girls if I should tip him $25 and they said,  “Yeah!”  I left him a note that said, “Thanks for the great service.  God bless you!”  I wasn’t there when he opened it, but I bet he was surprised.  That was really fun and the girls were just as excited as I was to be a part of it.

When I brought dinner to my friend’s family (with some flowers and a card) I spent about an hour talking, crying with her and encouraging her.  When I left we both felt better!  It is definitely better to give than to receive, but when you give you end up receiving too!  This day filled my bucket while filling the buckets of others too!

No Road Rage for Me Today!

Day of Compassion 7/12/13

As I began my day of compassion today I felt that I could show compassion to every living thing that I encountered throughout the day. This included plants, animals, family members, friends, and strangers. I tried to be mindful of how I could show compassion as authentically as possible. I always felt I was a compassionate person toward others but never really stopped to analyze this concept. I have always just treated others as I would like to be treated. This is my day of compassion.

Sharing a smile with a stressed out mom at the grocery store, who was obviously irritated at her screaming toddler as he begged for this and that as they went down the aisle, was one way that I showed compassion today. I know that she passed many irritated shoppers who probably glared at her as she tried to get her shopping done. My smile eased her stress and she eased into a smile and I spoke to her and let her know that I knew what she was going through because my kids had all went through this “gimme gimme” stage. The little boy stopped screaming enough to look at who his mommy was talking to and he shared an adorable grin and showed me a snack that she had already caved into giving him. I told the young mother to be firm and to stand her ground by not giving in all the time. She thanked me for being understanding and we went on our way.

Smiling at strangers can go a long way. I smiled at many different strangers as I met them throughout the day. Typically people are in a mad rush to get somewhere and don’t take time to engage with me. I found that many people who took time to speak back to me were elders. Whether it be commenting on the weather or fires around our region or making small talk about if I am enjoying my summer. I found it oddly refreshing to stop and take time to interact with the people I met throughout my day. I send several texts throughout my day with my family and even interact with fellow Wright Fellows on our Facebook page so the face to face interaction was nice even if I had no personal connection with them other than getting gas at the same gas station or buying groceries in the same store. I actually took time to stop and listen for their responses when they spoke to me and did not ask questions and zone out on their responses. I did that earlier in the week to Tom when I greeted him in the morning by asking him how he was doing and then asking him the same question out of habit as I was walking away. We are creatures of habit and I immediately started chuckling and apologized for my spacy response.

I found myself feeling that just spending this face to face time with my husband, daughters, and grandchildren today was a way to show compassion to both them and to me. We have all missed each other this summer and just hearing what they have been doing this week while I was at class, typing or reading was great. My family is so important to me and it was great to smile and laugh with them if for a brief while. My husband’s arms were comforting as we snuggled in the morning and shared events from our week. He is on vacation this week and the rest of my family is up at family camp at Dworshak so sacrificing some family time has happened for me but they are all very supportive and understanding. They have been compassionate to me.

It has been a well- known fact to my friends and family that I have road rage to drivers who do not signal or who drive slower than the speed limit and then speed up as you try to pass or who drive recklessly. My mother was killed in a head on collision as a young man attempted to pass seven to eight cars on a corner.  As I commuted today I took a deep breath and did not yell at the white car that turned in front of me without turning on his signal. I normally shout, “Hey I have my family in here buddy!” or “Thanks for turning on that little switch we call a signal!” I slowed down and counted to ten while breathing in and out. I tried to think about what they might be going through and considered how we were all lucky no accident happened. When I get in the car to drive I am always worried about the driver in the other car. I tried to show compassion but still found myself irritated at how irresponsible some people are when they get in their cars. This was a difficult task but my attempts at not yelling at drivers today went pretty well. My youngest daughter always says, “Mom you know they can’t hear you right?” when I yell at them and today she did not have to remind me because I was not yelling at them.

I ended my day of compassion by soaking in a hot bath to ease sore muscles that have been tense with stress. I haven’t taken time to do this in quite some time and was at once reminded of how relaxing this was for me. I just soaked until the water cooled and felt like I was ready to tackle the next task at hand.

My practice turned out to be the real thing

Being the person I am, sometimes I try to practice an idea before I take it on in earnest so I can try to anticipate what the ‘real’ experience will be like. So I tried it out during our break on the day I was heading to visit family in the Puget Sound area.  Practice Shmractice…It turns out that day had more things in store for me than I ever could have predicted.  In Omak I am a community support person for a group of volunteers who come from around the country every year and agree to live in intentional community while working in schools and agencies that serve the poor and disenfranchised of the area. One of the volunteers is planning on staying in Omak another year as a paid classroom aide at the tribal school, live in our basement, and discern his choices for the future. He was brought up thinking that his options were medicine, law, or political careers. His parents are both very well educated (5 doctorates between them), hold job positions with high prestige, and live in a nice Boston suburb. They were staying at my house with their son, who was house-sitting for us, while I was passing through on break. I brought breakfast to them on the patio before they were heading out on their day’s adventure and before I left to visit family. As I set the plate of sausages down, his mom burst into tears and stated “I’m so afraid for my son.” She continued on with her concerns about how the Omak and reservation environments weren’t “real” options for him--not even for a discernment year about his future.  If he was going to discern, he needed to do it while working on tangible steps to go to one of the best law schools in the nation so that he could get a good paying job, find a suitable young woman, and then create a life in an urban area where he would be able to interact with people that had comparable interests and intellect. A fleeting thought passed my mind to blurt out: Ouch! Really? As you eat my food and stay in my house, you somehow think that Omak, the surrounding communities, the reservation, the people, our jobs, and our lives are less “real” than anywhere else? Instead, I drew a breath so I could listen not to the words, but to the fears of a mom and a dad who were having difficulty realizing that they could no longer control the choices of their child and were afraid. When they asked for my perspective I shared with them that I thought he was incredibly talented, but was seeing the need to discern the most core values of who he was. I also let them know that I thought if he was able to do that he would be able to make his graduate school and life choices in a more informed way that would fit him. I refrained from being snarky and asking the dad if his route of obtaining 4 doctorates was a better choice for figuring out life choices. I’m pretty sure that my words weren’t the comfort they were looking for, but I tried to use compassion to honor their love and care for their son and his future, as well as keep compassion for the son who was trying to figure out life when he was in the midst of confronting the values and precepts he was raised within.

After they left, I noticed that the refrigerator was dark when I opened it and the washing machine was stopped mid-cycle. I flipped all the breaker switches and couldn’t seem to reset anything. Aaaack…It was July 3^rd and I suddenly needed a repair person. I was so not getting out of town on time to see my family. After three calls to the most established electricians in the area with no available time until the next week, the third gave me a tip to try a new electrician in town. Phew, thanks for the compassion! That new electrician stopped by within 20 minutes and was able to trouble shoot the problem quickly…a washer, refrigerator, and an air conditioner all on the same circuit and drawing electricity at the same time. We changed locations of one of the plugs. I learned about overloading the breakers by reading the amperage of each appliance before plugging them in. Thanks again for the compassion by teaching me in a way that didn’t leave me feeling like an idiot. Mr. New Electrician, you earned your service fee.

On my way over the North Cascades Pass, soaking in the beauty of the mountains with residual snow, anticipating seeing my family a little later than I had hoped, thinking about the morning’s conversation, and being grateful for having the opportunity to connect with others. I began reflecting about the concept of compassion and wondering if there would be any experiences before reaching my brother’s place, where I knew I would need to exercise compassion with my mom’s fading memory, compromised hearing, and repetitive questions—many of which can be socially inappropriate. As I went back and forth between thoughts and singing along with the radio, I noticed a man on the side of the road slumped over the backside of a cement divider in the direct sun and not really near anyplace close with buildings. He looked like he was sick or hurt so I found a turnaround and doubled back to ask him if he needed help. He responded that he was in bad shape so I offered to give him a ride. He seemed to be very dehydrated. I backed up to a better spot and reached back to retrieve a bottle of water from the cooler. As I looked back up I noticed that he was pulling up his underwear and his shorts. Without getting graphic, I will just say that from 30 feet away I could see that he was in great need of a change of clothes and was now meandering toward my car. I quickly jumped out of the car and grabbed a blanket from the back, quadruple folded it, and put it on the passenger seat. I asked him where he needed to go after asking him to hand over any weapons he might have. I didn’t let the compassion thing fully take over my being—I had the hunting knife placed under my leg, in case things weren’t as they seemed. He was actually in trouble. He was so thankful for the ride, the air conditioning, and the cool water. I ended up driving him to his house. In that time he talked about how he ended up on the side of the road, the large number of people who didn’t stop, and how the world was getting to be a worse place filled with uncaring people. He then paused and asked me gently, “Why did you stop and pick me up?” I responded, “Because you looked like you were in trouble.” “I was in trouble. Thank you.” When we got to his house, I let him off and gave him the blanket. We exchanged names and he thanked me. I didn’t feel safe escorting him into the house so I told him to get a cool shower, drink some water and juice, and call a friend or ambulance if he wasn’t feeling better. We shook hands and I made sure he got into his house. I was glad he made it home safely, but wondered if I would have made the same decision if I would have known the complete situation when I first saw him. I would like to think so. I then drove around the corner out of sight from the house and released my inner-OCD self by dumping a bunch of hand sanitizer all over the seat and scrubbing any invisible germs that just might have escaped the layers of blanket. I did the same to my hands…several times…and then some more. Compassion might carry germs sometimes.

I arrived at the ferry dock 2 minutes after a ferry had left. There wouldn’t be another until 7:45. I actually laughed a bit when I thought about the choices I made that day to be present with others in radically different situations, which interrupted my plans to get to my brother’s by afternoon. When I finally arrived I was greeted with “How was your trip? Would you like a glass of wine? We saved you some food.” “I got a later start than planned, but the trip was good. I forgot some of my bedding. Do you have any that I can use?” “Of course! We are so glad you are here.” Compassion can take me beyond the edges of what I thought were boundaries of presence between me and another person. I am grateful when I am in a reflective mode to actually appreciate its importance.

Compassion

Compassion

            When I consider compassion my thoughts instantly go to the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. It goes lit this, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Devine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life”.  Amen

            I believe that I am a compassionate person, or that I at least feel compassion for the people and beings around me. The challenge is to act upon feelings of compassion. In my everyday life it seems that compassion gives way to pragmatism.  After reading about the assignment I started preparing myself for 24 hours of living compassionately by taking opportunities to perform a small act of compassion daily. I’m not going to detail every little act of compassion I performed for the past two weeks but I will reflect on the experience. At first the whole thing felt a bit contrived but over time it began to feel more natural. I didn’t do anything extraordinary just once a day put the needs of some other person before my own. This was in preparation for my day of compassion so that I didn’t feel like the entire day was contrived.

            The night before my 24 hours of compassion I made a few decisions. First of all I felt that compassion needed to extend to more than acts of kindness. I needed to try and feel for those around me to see other points of view.  Before I can explain that part of “seeing other points of view” I need to give you a little information about me. I have always been a bit of a news junkie but this past Lent I gave up all news outlets with the exception of print. I was having problems with the 24 hour news cycle. When I watched the news all I saw were idiots left, right, and center. I would see tragedy and be moved but at the same time be repulsed by the way tragedy was packaged for consumption. After Lent was over, I just never went back to watching the news. For my day of compassion I decided to try again watching the news through the lens of compassion. I tried Good Morning America, the Today Show, CNN, and Fox, I lasted about 15 minutes. I actually think my blood pressure went up. I turned the TV off. I ate a vegan breakfast, in fact I ate vegan all day. I will not continue that practice. However it did cause me to consider the horrific conditions in many of our commercial meat processing facilities as well as some of the horrible working conditions many farm workers endure. I think when I return home may family and I may reexamine our buying habits considering sustainability, organic, and human impact. I went up stairs to sit down to coffee with my elderly landlord, just some time spent with another person. I drove to school and when I parked I noticed that I hadn’t left much room on one side of my huge tank of a truck for the guy next to me to get out. So I re-parked leaving plenty of space for everyone.  I went to class tried and to give my classmates the opportunity to speak first and I simply listened. I tried to remember that I didn’t need to fix everything. Then class was over. Being compassionate in the classroom environment was easy.   I was among friends and people I cared about. When I got back to my basement apartment, I paused a moment to look as the spiders web that I allowed to be constructed two weeks ago. Spiders and their homes really are amazing. I decided to try the evening news and found that things were pretty much the same as when I left in the morning. Then it happened, I was moved to tears. 16 year old Malala Yousafzai was addressing the United Nations. You may remember her, she is the Pakistani girl who was shot by the Taliban for advocating education for girls in Pakistan. I’ve listened to her entire speech twice now and cried each time. How fitting that the world should take a lesson in compassion from a child. In her own words, “One child, one teacher, one book, and one pen can change the world”.  I think she may have changed mine. She made me remember that it was compassion the brought me into special education and compassion that kept me in special education when I had the chance to get out. Compassion will be what carries me into my classroom on August 27.

Day of Compassion

7/12/13

Day of Compassion! J

         I enjoyed doing a day of compassion! It’s funny because I like to think of myself as a compassionate person. I definitely have my moments of not being compassionate, but for the most part I try to be mindful of others and myself. It was a little harder than I thought it might be. I was talking to a group I was working with in Margaret’s class about the day of compassion. Sometimes I have an all or nothing kind of attitude, which I’m working on, but I wondered if I happen to think a negative thought do I need to start my day of compassion over? I have to admit I was getting a little nervous the night before I started.

         Overall the day went well and it was positive. There are times that after school or work I will come home and I know I’m being grouchy to my family and I’m aware of it and I will feel guilty. So I really focused on my tone of voice and my actions on my day of compassion. I went more out of my way to smile at people even if I didn’t know them. I really noticed how mindful I was of my surroundings, my actions, and others actions.

         At one moment I found myself getting emotional and my eyes felt with water because I had just finished getting a drink at Sonic and was leaving the drive-thru when I noticed an older gentlemen whom I know through family, but I have only been around him a couple times. He noticed me and I said, “Hi, how are you?” He said, “Good” with a smile on his face. Then as I was driving off I had remembered that he had lost his wife not that long ago and I started to feel empathy for him and I hoped he was doing okay. He was probably have a good day, but I just felt sad for him.

         Since the day of compassion I am still continuing to do the same things. I find when I’m driving and I feel a little road rage coming on I stop what I’m thinking and turn it into something positive. The day of compassion helped me be in more control of my emotions. When I felt myself getting agitated or mad I would stop myself a lot sooner than I would have and it actually made the day a lot more pleasant. I would like to try this activity with my students!

Compassion for my Cat

My day of compassion was originally scheduled to be on Thursdays, but since I emailed that schedule out to everyone, I had to move it to Friday.  My day of compassion started out with a difficult task for me: to be compassionate towards the family (my wife’s) cat.  I don’t really like cats at all.  I generally find them annoying and useless.  I decided to really look at the cat’s role in our family and be more compassionate towards it.  Throughout the day I began to see the role the animal plays in our family.  It provides comfort and entertainment to each of us.  The cat really enjoys sitting on laps and evening time with Gus on her lap is something my wife looks forward to each night.  She also enjoys seeing Gus when she comes home from lunch.  It makes her feel like she isn’t eating alone.  I know this sounds as if it might be coming off sarcastic, but it really is not.  I made an effort to spend some quality with the cat and really enjoyed it.  It made me slow down and relax in a different way that I usually do.

In addition to my compassion towards the cat, I showed some extra compassion at the grocery store.  A young group of kids was selling raffle tickets to fund their trip to play in the Little League regional tournament.  I never donate money towards these kinds of causes, but since it was my day of compassion, I made a point to talk with the kids, buy some tickets, and wish them good luck at their tournament.  They seemed to genuinely appreciate the interaction.  It made me feel good to donate as well.  I was reminded of my youth and all of the AAU tournaments and sports I played.  We never really did any fund raising, so I suppose my parents just footed the bill themselves.  Perhaps I should show them a bit of compassion this weekend for doing so. 

I wouldn’t say that my day of compassion had a profound effect on me.  Most of you know me as a rather sarcastic smart ass, but I generally treat those I don’t know with compassion.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

My day of compassion has a bit of history and without it you would not understand why this day was such an incredibly difficult day for me. To begin the story, my sister died on June 2, 2013. We are 11 months apart and have always been very close. Twenty six years ago she met and married and extremely abusive man. He loved to use her as a punching bag. Breaking bones, blackening eyes, hitting her hard enough to knock out teeth and reminding her how worthless she was as a human being just became her life. She refused to prosecute him, regardless of how many times I called the police. When they finally did separate, a wonderful judge imposed a restraining order that he personally renewed every year because she wouldn’t and he believed her husband would eventually kill her. During these troubled years she also had three children.  These sweet little angels had grown into teenagers and then adults and learned from their dad how to abuse her also. They lived across the street from me for a few years so it was easy to see when I needed to get between her and “them” until the police arrived. One month it was 17 times.

A few years ago she started drinking so she “didn’t have to feel”.  When she realized she had become an alcoholic she checked herself into a treatment center. She graduated from the program and did so well they hired her to help other clients. She acknowledged she was a recovering alcoholic, but made sure it didn’t define her as a person. She was the most amazing, loving individual God has ever put on the planet and the world was a much better place with her in it.

Because they had not been divorced, her husband and children were in charge of planning her funeral. She was Catholic, they wanted a pot luck in the park. She wanted to be cremated, they wanted an open casket. They waited so long (they had a concert they wanted to go to, and then Father’s Day weekend that shouldn’t be messed up) they finally had to have her cremated. On the way back from their trip they were supposed to stop and pick up her ashes in Seattle. They forgot so we had to have them shipped. My grief over losing my sister and best friend, as well as the fact that people who didn’t love her were taking care of her final wishes, seemed overwhelming to me. I have never hit anybody in my entire life; however, I did want them to hurt like they had hurt her. I couldn’t have compassion for any of these people because I was too angry. When we got the assignment for our day of compassion I really thought this was one way I could get through her funeral and let go of some of the hurt I just couldn’t seem to get passed in order to honor her memory.

 I walked into her funeral and it was the strangest feeling.  Regardless of how horrible her children were to her, they had lost their mother. It didn’t matter when her husband got up and said how much he loved her and what a wonderful wife she was (his girlfriend was in the second row) I just simply let it go. They will never get to hear her laugh, taste her fantastic cooking or call her on the phone when something really important happens in their lives ever again. Those reasons alone make me feel very compassionate for them and their future children that will never get to know how wonderful she was. Without this day where I had to consciously focus on being compassionate all day, letting go of my anger (you really can’t feel compassion if you want to rip somebodies head off) and understanding that they were hurting just as I was, it would have turned out much differently. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth the effort. One day we all have to answer for the things we know we have done in our lives. I have a great deal of faith that God can handle that job without me.

“I appreciate you in advance.”

 

I think that is such a beautiful thing to say to a person, it reminds me so much of saying, “Namaste in yoga class, or peace be with you in church.” What makes it all the more beautiful is the setting of where it is being said, and that it is being said by a Social Worker in a high school, to a high school student. What an incredible way to start to break down a barrier and start a connection with another person. What makes that statement stand out, so much more so, is the juxtaposition of such a peaceful statement being said in order to help to create a dialogue with a person who has witnessed so much violence.

That line will stick with me, as will the profound impact of hearing the stories of students and staff of Harper High School. The stories of the students at Harper High School sound more like something that one might hear from a third world country, or the Middle East – not in Chicago, Illinois. I have lived in larger cities and am familiar with gangs. I have even been a victim of gangs, but I have been completely ignorant of this new style of gangs. Not to mention completely blind to what is really happening in inner city schools in America.

When I first heard Mr. Adams talking to the new student about which “click” he belonged to and heard the boy speak so openly of his gang, I was reminded of conversations that I had heard members of the gang task force in the Beaverton Police Department have with known gang members. Mr. Adams was ferreting out information, trying to build a trust, and trying to make agreements to keep the violence out. But he isn’t a cop, he is a Vice-Principal. What an incredible shift of job duties, from what one might normally consider that of a V.P.

The dedication of the staff at Harper High School is humbling for me. I tried comparing the roles of the staff there to similar positions in schools in my district. We, of course, do not have Social Workers at our school – that was the first time I had heard of that. I also thought of what I sometimes hear staff say, when the administration asks them to chaperone an after school event, compared to what the staff at Harper High said. At my school it is usually something about working outside of contract hours and not getting paid. At Harper High, it was about being truly afraid for one’s safety, and one staff member truly seemed to feel guilty for not being willing to risk her own life

I am a true believer in the importance of trying to build connections and form positive relationships with students. I was truly inspired, amazed, and humbled by the relationship building that goes on at Harper High School. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a child who has to grow up in such a unsafe, violent neighborhood, and am so thankful that those kids have such caring adults in at least one part of their life.

Day of Compassion

Day of Compassion

The big scary day of compassions wasn’t so scary after all!  The day turned out to be a mild day with a bright side.  With myself I felt relaxed more so than I had thought I would feel.   Being more compassionate has reminded me to take a step back, and remember I may have a thousand things going on and feel stressed to the gills. Other people do not and they do exist.  There are so many people through out the day whom I normally talk to and brush by quickly without really acknowledging who they are or what they had to say. 

In my own home, with my family, the day of compassion taught me to slow down.  See your kids, they are both only going to be one once.  Stop watching them play, while you work on something else, get down and play.  Play farm, babies, color, and put stickers on paper.  The excitement and joy from my kids was so fun.  Today Mommy wasn’t too busy doing laundry and making dinner.  We didn’t have a schedule and today was so fun! 

Out in the public I did my best to acknowledge people.  More than I normally would.  I tried to have a friendly conversation with the checker at our local grocery store.  Normally I would be quiet and quick about my business.  Today we visited back and forth believe it or not this conversation made the grocery store feel less business like and friendlier.   People on the street I would normally walk quickly by, I looked up and did my best to acknowledge and smile at each person I passed.

When I awoke this morning I was really concerned today would be difficult.  In the end, it left a positive mark on my life.  I was forced to slow down and acknowledge pieces of life that are often pushed aside.  By doing this I was also compassionate towards myself.  Lesson Learned!

Day of Compassion

 

I was actually a bit excited about this project. I was hoping for a huge revelation of sorts that I could, not only benefit from, but that I could pass on to others. What I found was much more subtle and self-reflective in nature. Perhaps, it will be a ripple effect though, and continue to make waves in other areas of my life.

I am fortunate, because I have a mother who instilled in us kids the virtue of having compassion for others; not only in words, but also in actions. We had a state mental hospital about a mile away from our house in The Dalles, Oregon. When my mom heard that many of the patients there did not see their families between Christmas and Easter, she felt so empathetic for them that she arranged for both mine and my sister’s 4­-H groups to make Valentine’s Day cards and personally deliver them. I was nine at the time, and I will be honest and say that although my heart went out to the people in the institution, (especially after my mother explained how many kids were there) I was scared.

I remember walking into the huge doors into this very large hallway, and from around a corner a very large young man came running at us. I was so scared that I just stood there with my eyes wide. I saw some staff chasing him, but knew they would not get to him before he got to us. When he got to me he had his arms up and I was sure that he was going to hit me, but instead he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a huge bear hug. He was then pulled off of me and put behind a closed door. The staff was quick to apologize and explain that he was just so excited to have visitors, he couldn’t help himself. In that moment, I understood why my mom had brought us there and felt true empathy for another person.

We went back to the hospital a few times after that, until it closed down. My sister made friends with a girl there who was her age. She was there due to brain injury from a horse accident. I started volunteering in the special education class at my school, and became a defender of “those” kids at school. I later went on to become a Special Education Teacher… just a ripple effect of one of my mother’s compassionate whims. I could write a short novel about the lessons I learned from her compassion and how I have passed those on to my daughter, and my siblings on to their kids.

  I realize that this paper is supposed to be about My day of compassion, but thinking what compassion actually means was a large part of my day today. I started off my day knowing that I had to make a conscience effort on my thoughts.. especially on my thoughts towards myself. As I began to encounter people, many of whom were complete strangers, I tried to think of nice things I could do or say. Then I had the thought, “Wait, that is being kind, not compassionate.” I even looked for opportunities to be compassionate, especially for anything that would be out of the norm for me. I looked for people in distress, homeless, sad, etc. – anything to take me out of my comfort zone and truly try this experiment, but everything I did just seemed to fall under the category of kindness.

Then I went home and looked up the definition of compassion, to see what I was missing. What I found was very interesting. I have never given the word that amount of thought, and realized that it is a “Major” concept in every major religion in the world, and although extremely similar, each has a slightly different meaning. In the Hindu religion it is called Ahimsa (which I have heard in yoga class) and it means refraining from harmfulness; in Judaism it means sorrow and pity for the distressed; in Buddhism compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others; in Christianity it means to comfort those who are distressed or trouble; and in Muslim, foremost among God’s attributes are mercy and compassion and they begin every prayer invoking that. Compassion truly is a common link between most people of the world, even those who are in conflict. (Which is really ironic, and a whole other paper!)  I started off this class sharing that I ask my students to approach anything new that they learn with curiosity and try to find a common link to what they believe or know. Compassion really is that link.

My only moment, in my opinion, of true compassion today was when I spoke with my daughter.  She had very recently got a guinea pig and it had gotten sick and died a few days ago. My daughter has always been a person who has more empathy for animals than people, so I was not surprised when I got a text today from her letting me know how much she was still struggling with the loss. I can be a bit pragmatic over the loss of rodents, especially one that one has only known for a few weeks, but I realized… this is my chance! I will try my best to be even more compassionate than last night when I talked to her. I will admit that I may have faked it a bit at first, (And am now a believer of the fake it to make it philosophy when it comes to compassion… dang it!) but became very empathetic as our conversation went on.

I probably should point out before I go any further, and thought of as a complete jerk, that my daughter is 23 and lives on her own.  I decided to ask her to tell me the whole thing again from beginning to end, because she often skips through to the important parts. When she shared with me that she found it not breathing and tried to give it CPR, I was speechless for a moment and then thought, “Be compassionate.” As we talked it out, she realized that what really upset her was that she kept thinking about grandma, because my mom has recently had some severe heart problems, with a horrible prognosis, and now has a DNR in place. I had no idea my daughter had made this connection between her grandma and her guinea pig. I don’t think she even knew until we started to talk about it a bit deeper. We talked, and cried together for quite a while about death and grandma’s condition, and I think she felt better about all of it when we got off the phone

I know that I was already contemplating the lessons that my mother taught me about compassion, as child, before my conversation with my daughter today.  I just didn't realize how I would connect those later in the day. I truly had no intention of telling the story of my youth when I started to write this paper.  But, I am one of those people who usually likes to let things flow organically, and it was what flowed. I think that this is one way for me to share some of my mother’s legacy with others. Perhaps hearing about her lessons on compassion will ignite or inspire a similar lesson in someone else and that can start a whole new ripple effect.

Can you eat a little faster, Dad?

Day of Compassion  Tuesday, July 9, 2013

 I started the day with prayer and asking for spiritual guidance to increase my compassionate actions and thoughts throughout the day. My  prayer also  included gratitude for all that I have been blessed with and for the beauty of the world that we live in. I also prayed for all who were suffering at this time, that they have some sort of relief. I read scripture and spent some time pondering those words.

While getting ready for the day, I took a shorter than usual shower in order to conserve water.  I am living in an apartment in the basement of my parent’s home.  My dad is irritated by long showers, so I took a short one out of consideration for him. While brushing my teeth, I saw a spider crawling on the floor.  Normally I would squish it and flush it, but today, out of compassion I let it live.  I kill at least one spider a day in the apartment.  Today they all got to live.

While I was getting ready, I heard my dad’s music playing upstairs, loud and twangy. I decided I would hurry a bit so I could have time to visit with Dad. Instead of going out the back door and just heading to class, I went through the house, upstairs and greeted my dad.  He was sitting in his lazy boy listening to Hank Thompson at full volume, so the neighbors could enjoy it also.  Dad greeted me.  I gave him a hug and started dancing to Hank with him for a few minutes.   He asked if I needed anything and I  said yes and  asked for another hug.  As part of my day of compassion I had decided to say yes to every request of me.  I didn’t really need anything, but  I had to come up with a yes answer.

While driving to class I obeyed the speed limit, something that I don’t usually do. I hope this made others feel safer  than usual.  I also left better parking for others and walked a few yards more because I parked further away.  I looked for opportunities to smile and say hello and got some “hello smiles” in return.

I’m only at 8:00 am….out of compassion for the reader, I will try to bullet my thoughts.  ( It may seem shorter then???)

·         I gave some cash to  a server at Einstein’s and asked her to please staple it to the 10^th and 20^th order form and use it towards those  customers orders.

·         I was invited to Zumba.  I said yes.  I haven’t done Zumba class before.  I’m not sure if this was a compassionate thing to do for those who were also in the class.  I was not good at it and floundered through. I did have fun and others showed a lot of compassion towards me, the remedial Zumba girl.  Before Zumba , I went early to the SRC.  This is really not my turf.  I exercise early in the morning and not at a gym.  I am not an athlete by any stretch so this is an uncomfortable place for me.  I walked the track and purposefully thought about the dedication  and  determination of the people  in the gym. I found myself building an appreciation for the  respect and care that they exhibited   for  their physical bodies.  

·         I did say no to one request. I just couldn’t  fit a trip to Baskin –Robbins in my day.   I did feel bad about this.  When I started the day with a  “say yes pledge” with the goal of compassion in mind, I didn’t realize the time obligation that  that might be.

·         I got a request via text messaging from my sister to PLEASE get Dad to write a letter to Mom in celebration of her birthday and to be added to the stories and letters in the book she was making and the deadline was the next day.  I had to say yes. So I made Dad dinner and pulled out my laptop and asked him question after question to pull a full letter out of him for Mom’s book. He ate SLOWLY and answered slowly and this was definitely the time of the day that I had to fight off and push back the uncompassionate thoughts I was having.   You can love someone dearly and still run short of compassion.  I love my dad but in order to be completely compassionate toward him all my words and expressions and actions and thoughts need to be kind ones.  Because of my compassion pledge, I needed to chill and not be impatient.   I realize the source for this lack of compassion was my fear of not having enough time left in the day to complete my responsibilities.

·         I ate vegetarian. No meat. No harm. No big deal for me.

·         As I read for my classes, I focused on gratitude for those who had written articles and books for my learning growth and kept my thoughts positive.  I believe that  positive  energy/thought is a form of compassion.

I ended the day with a prayer of gratitude, specifically giving thanks for the interactions of the day and asking again for the relief of suffering for all who needed it.

I enjoyed my day of compassion.  It didn’t feel or seem so much different than any other day.  I was definitely more mindful and present in all situations which is a good thing.  I was more focused on doing no harm, trying to be more open and appreciative of others and helping with the needs of others.  It really wasn’t difficult for me.  It would have been different had there been more conflict that I was aware of, either internally or externally.   Compassion feels good!

A Day of Compassion, Reflection and Heart

July 10, 2013

Today was my day of compassion.  I started the day with a reflection of what I wanted the day to be like, how was I going to be compassionate to myself and how was I going to be compassionate to others.  My original thought when I learned of this assignment was a day of silence.  I was not going to speak, but instead listen intently and reflect throughout the day.  I started my day, as I always do, with my morning prayer “Lord, Help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to day that you and I cannot handle together.”  After saying this and reflecting I realized that my compassion will not be found in my silence but in my reaction to what others are saying and doing. 

            This first meant, I was going to focus on listening with my heart.  Today was a day for listening to what people were saying and what they really needed.  I would not interrupt, I would not offer suggestions, instead I would be the ear.  If I responded to them, it was because I felt I has something to add that would be of comfort, of assistance or of enrichment for them because I listened to their needs.   I listened to friends talk of difficult days and things going on at home.  I did not pass judgement, I did not try to include myself in their discussion, instead I was an ear and a heart for them to talk to.  In some situations today, this was hard.  We all have opinions about everything and more than once I caught myself saying, “Don’t talk, listen”.  By taking this stance, I forced myself to be the listener I want people to be for me.  What I learned was that I like being a true active and heartfelt listener.  I liked not passing judgment and trying to be a part of everything.  This challenged me throughout the day as conversations arose, in classes, at meals, with friends and yet, I feel I managed to hold onto this idea of listening and not interrupting.

            My second focus for today was to be reflective.  Reflective of how I responded to others, how I engaged in conversation and even my body language when having conversations.  This part of compassion day was about reflecting on who I am as a student, a teacher, a friend, and a family member.  In class today, I shared my reflection on the Pedagogy of Poverty and that was really hard.  It is hard to admit that at one time I took solace in that it was okay to be the worksheet giving, teacher directed, classroom managing dictator. I want to be seen by my peers as an active learning, motivational, happy teacher and to admit a time of weakness is really difficult for me.  I did get emotional, which can also be hard for me to do in front of my peers, mostly because this was my moment of heartfelt reflection and honesty not only with me but with my peers as well.  The compassion meditation was hard today as well and stirred up emotions that I had not thought about in a long time.  This meditation led me to my third focus for today, reaching out to some one who I have been out of touch with for awhile.

            I have shared with a few that my twin sister and I are no longer close, which is really hard to deal with because we are twins and at one time we considered each other the best-best friends we would ever have.  Seven years ago that changed for us and while we have half-tried to fix things, we are still separated and may never be as close as we were before.  Kati has been on my mind a lot lately and I have missed her so much especially as our kids grow up not really knowing each other.  It has been over a month since I last spoke to my sister and I cannot really tell you why.  It wasn’t convenient, I didn’t want to hear about her job, I don’t really know.  I guess I keep waiting for her to call me.  I wanted to reach out to my sister and so I decided that if I was going to find an “excuse” to call, it should be today. Does this violate the genuine compassion rule? I don’t know, but it was something that I need to deal with and compassion will be the only true tool to get me through it.  I feel that my sister and I’s divided relationship is my greatest failing in life, so I used today as my reason for calling her.  I even told her it was my “Day of Compassion” so that we were honest from that first moment. I was disappointed that her response was that she didn’t have time to talk but would call me later today.  As of the end of my day, she still has not called and even though I am frustrated I understand that things happen and I need to be respectful of her time as well. I understand that a call will happen and when it does I need to maintain that centered-ness I felt today.

            One important thing I learned today was it is hard to be compassionate, especially when something frustrated me.  There were times I wanted to tell someone to stop talking, especially side bar conversations because they were distracting.  I didn’t, but it did make me feel compassion for the presenter because their time was not being respected.  The other hard time today was in classes where we were expected to engage in discussions and conversations.  I wanted to be the heartfelt listener and be reflective but a scripted discussion makes that kind of hard and there were times I stopped myself from talking so that I was being an active and intent listener but other times I felt I had no other choice but to step in.  Was this “un-compassionate” of me? I don’t think so because it was a moment for me to reflect on why I spoke and more importantly what I said. I also struggled today with genuine compassion- what does this mean? What does this look like? I feel that I am a genuine person, I lay it out there and it is what it is. I am as honest as I can be.  Today, honesty was important in showing true compassion and not the idea of “fake it till you make it.” Yes, I held open more doors, was more conscious in my manners, greeted more people than usual and double checked that I said please and thank you. Was this compassion? I think it is part of showing others respect and that is part of compassion. Should my day of compassion have to start over because I accidentally kicked George in the leg under the restaurant table? No, I apologized and was genuine in my apology because it was not intentionally and a complete accident.  Did my day need to start over because I had a moment of negativity towards outside forces? No, I needed to reflect on why I was being negative and what I could do differently next time.  This day of compassion was about over coming obstacles; obstacles that cause us to give up on positive energy, compassionate and heartfelt moments. 

            I wanted what I did today to be a reflection of what my first day of compassion could be. I wanted it to be reflective, full of listening to others, and trying to reach out to someone.  While I feel my first two goals today were accomplished, the third is still there.  I will try again tomorrow to reach out to my sister even though the day is over and see what transpires but overall I would say I had a great day.  Even though there are so many things to stress about and so much to do, today was the most relaxing day in weeks.  Every time I worried about something, I found something that was a much large issue.  Today was not centered on me, it was centered on those around me and when you look at it in that light, I have miniscule things to stress me out compared to the rest of the world. Today was not perfect, but no days ever really are.  What I failed in today, I will work on doing better tomorrow.  What I succeeded in today will make me stronger and more compassionate tomorrow.

Receiving Compassion on the Day of Compassion

In the interest of spontaneity, I decided to begin the day of compassion on Monday morning right after Matt announced that we needed to do it.  I planned to continue my day of compassion until the end of class on Tuesday, and in this way I would cover a 24 hour period.  I was initially worried that I would have trouble coming up with fodder for my blog.  Living in a van behind the SRC and doing homework doesn’t offer many opportunities for human or animal interaction on first glance, but as the following account makes clear, I had ample opportunity to express compassion, and oddly enough to receive it.   The reminder of this blog will be in real-time journal from:

11:30 a.m.-   I discover that I still have two blog posts to complete.  My first act of compassion is toward Matt.  I think it will be compassionate to Matt for me to honor his assignments, so I find a nice location in the TLC and begin to type.  I finish the first blog for Matt’s class, but halfway through the second, my computer suddenly switches off completely.  One moment I am typing, the next my computer is completely off.  Puzzled and a little alarmed, I power the computer back up and attempt to log on.  As soon as I hit “Enter” though, the computer shuts off again.  I try this a few other times, attempt to start the computer in safe mode etc , but it doesn’t work.  I give up after about ten tries because I recall having heard somewhere that the definition of madness is to perform the same act over and over expecting that through sheer repetition you will receive a different result. 

My thoughts go to my wife and what she will say when I tell her that my computer has crapped out and I probably need a new one.  I decide to take my broken machine to the IT help desk and see if there is anything to be done.  The person I am assigned doesn’t really know what to tell me.  She is very nice though, compassionate even.  I say that because apparently helping students fix their broken laptops is beyond the scope of her job description, but she willingly watches me try to log on and attempts to help me fix the issue.  She proposes that the hard drive has gone bad or has an error, and her suggestion is to reformat the drive.  I think I turn several shades of white and red at this point since that act will erase all my data.  Uncompassionate thoughts flood my head concerning my computer.  I imagine throwing it in a dumpster and walking away.  Since my computer is a non-living thing I am not sure if this violent fantasy counts as a “compassion fail,” but I attempt to mitigate my non-compassionate feeling all the same.  I remind myself that this computer has given me 3 years of hard work, and that I shouldn’t expect it to last forever.  

In the interest of compassion, I thank the IT girl warmly for her time and exit the IT office.  When I sit down to think about my next move, I also further contemplate the genuine compassion the IT girl had for me.  When she told me I would probably have to reformat my hard drive, she seemed to have a pained expression on her face and she told me gently, as if she were telling me that my pet Cat wouldn’t recover.  Further, she violated protocol by even helping diagnose my problem in the first place.  Cool!  

1:00 I call my wife to tell her that my computer is broken, but in the interest of compassion, I neglect to tell her that it is probably permanently broken, and that we may have to purchase another one.  She is understanding and listens.  My wife then tells me that a book I ordered for school, the teachers as leaders one, arrived at the house approximately an hour after I left for Moscow.  In an incredible display of compassion, she then offers to load our two kids in the car and drive the book down to me, 3-4 hours round trip.  Since receiving an act of compassion of that magnitude will utterly fail me both as a student of compassion and as a husband, I refuse the offer but thank her.   I tell her that I will probably just drive back to CDA in order to pick up my book and see if I can recover the date from my computer.  This will also give me an opportunity to practice compassion on my family. 

1:30pm I call my dad and tell him that my computer crashed.  He tells me to bring the computer over if I want, and he will try to help me.  It’s a plan, and I start the 2 and 1/2 half hour drive.

2:30? pm  I make a stop in Worley at the grocery store to buy some snacks because I am falling asleep at the wheel.  I remember that my daughter loves special gifts so I pick up a box of animal crackers for her.  This is compassionate to her, and to my wife, who disapproves of candy proper but allows animal crackers on the grounds that they are at least closer to “food” than other treat option.

4:00 pm I arrive at my dad’s house in Rathdrum.  He is in the process of re-roofing his house and just installed a skylight which he is very excited about.  Just like me, he loves to talk about building and house projects. At the moment I am more concerned about retrieving all the data from my last two years of teaching, but in the interest of compassion, I listen to him describe in detail how to properly install flashing on a skylight.  He then drops his roofing project and takes a look at my computer.  He tries the same things I did, restarting it several time before he announces that it’s beyond him.  We then enlist the help of my uncle Mike is such a computer genius he could fix anything electronic with nothing but a length of wire, a Phillips screwdriver, and a can of WD40.  My dad drops his roofing project to come with me.   

5:00 pm We arrive at my Uncle Mike’s house, and Mike removes some part of my computer, blows some air in the thing and announces that he thinks the fan is bad.  He then offers to put a new one in.  The irony that I am receiving rather than giving help on my day of compassion begins to hit home.  It occurs to me that I am surrounded, literally surrounded by compassionate selfless people willing to help me at the drop of a hat.  I have always appreciated my family, but I am refilled with a sense of gratitude.   

6:00 pm On my way home I order Papa murphy’s so that I can have dinner ready when my wife comes home.  She arrives and is totally thankful.  My daughter announces that she loves me when she receives the animal crackers.  I go out of my way the help with the kids, cutting their pizza for them, changing a diaper, etc, and I can tell that my wife is blessed.  These things are not out of the ordinary for me, but they are appreciated all the more because my wife was expecting me to be gone. 

9:00 pm.  I have been up since 4:30 so I go to bed and fall asleep instantly.  It has always bothered my wife that I can sleep so easily because she suffers from insomnia, but at this point I am so tired it doesn’t occur to me that I could stay awake till she falls asleep. 

4:00 am  I wake up to find that my wife is awake.  I offer to get her a cup of water which I often do in the middle of the night.  She declines and I am gone asleep again. 

5:00 am.  Our youngest daughter Nora wakes up and I go get her and deliver her to my wife for the morning feeding.  Then it’s off to the U of I for class.  On my way out the door, I collect the drawings my daughter made for me to decorate my bus with, and write a love note to my wife on the window of the kitchen door with a white-board marker. 

The rest of my compassion day was largely uneventful.  As I said above, the biggest impact this day had on me was to impress upon me selfless nature of my family members, and how blessed I am to be a part of such a supporting community.  In a world where so many people are disconnected from their family members or even hostile toward them, I think I tend to take it for granted that I have a huge extended family in the local area and that every one of us is willing to drop what we are doing to help a relative in need.  It is ironic that on the day I dedicated to give compassion I ended up receiving much more than I gave, but luckily my compassionate expenditures aren’t limited to one day.  I think part of the beauty of compassion is its reciprocal nature.  I’ll get my chance to pay them back soon enough.  As for you dear reader, if you actually read through this monster of a blog post, I probably owe you some compassion as well.