A Day of Compassion, Reflection and Heart

July 10, 2013

Today was my day of compassion.  I started the day with a reflection of what I wanted the day to be like, how was I going to be compassionate to myself and how was I going to be compassionate to others.  My original thought when I learned of this assignment was a day of silence.  I was not going to speak, but instead listen intently and reflect throughout the day.  I started my day, as I always do, with my morning prayer “Lord, Help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to day that you and I cannot handle together.”  After saying this and reflecting I realized that my compassion will not be found in my silence but in my reaction to what others are saying and doing. 

            This first meant, I was going to focus on listening with my heart.  Today was a day for listening to what people were saying and what they really needed.  I would not interrupt, I would not offer suggestions, instead I would be the ear.  If I responded to them, it was because I felt I has something to add that would be of comfort, of assistance or of enrichment for them because I listened to their needs.   I listened to friends talk of difficult days and things going on at home.  I did not pass judgement, I did not try to include myself in their discussion, instead I was an ear and a heart for them to talk to.  In some situations today, this was hard.  We all have opinions about everything and more than once I caught myself saying, “Don’t talk, listen”.  By taking this stance, I forced myself to be the listener I want people to be for me.  What I learned was that I like being a true active and heartfelt listener.  I liked not passing judgment and trying to be a part of everything.  This challenged me throughout the day as conversations arose, in classes, at meals, with friends and yet, I feel I managed to hold onto this idea of listening and not interrupting.

            My second focus for today was to be reflective.  Reflective of how I responded to others, how I engaged in conversation and even my body language when having conversations.  This part of compassion day was about reflecting on who I am as a student, a teacher, a friend, and a family member.  In class today, I shared my reflection on the Pedagogy of Poverty and that was really hard.  It is hard to admit that at one time I took solace in that it was okay to be the worksheet giving, teacher directed, classroom managing dictator. I want to be seen by my peers as an active learning, motivational, happy teacher and to admit a time of weakness is really difficult for me.  I did get emotional, which can also be hard for me to do in front of my peers, mostly because this was my moment of heartfelt reflection and honesty not only with me but with my peers as well.  The compassion meditation was hard today as well and stirred up emotions that I had not thought about in a long time.  This meditation led me to my third focus for today, reaching out to some one who I have been out of touch with for awhile.

            I have shared with a few that my twin sister and I are no longer close, which is really hard to deal with because we are twins and at one time we considered each other the best-best friends we would ever have.  Seven years ago that changed for us and while we have half-tried to fix things, we are still separated and may never be as close as we were before.  Kati has been on my mind a lot lately and I have missed her so much especially as our kids grow up not really knowing each other.  It has been over a month since I last spoke to my sister and I cannot really tell you why.  It wasn’t convenient, I didn’t want to hear about her job, I don’t really know.  I guess I keep waiting for her to call me.  I wanted to reach out to my sister and so I decided that if I was going to find an “excuse” to call, it should be today. Does this violate the genuine compassion rule? I don’t know, but it was something that I need to deal with and compassion will be the only true tool to get me through it.  I feel that my sister and I’s divided relationship is my greatest failing in life, so I used today as my reason for calling her.  I even told her it was my “Day of Compassion” so that we were honest from that first moment. I was disappointed that her response was that she didn’t have time to talk but would call me later today.  As of the end of my day, she still has not called and even though I am frustrated I understand that things happen and I need to be respectful of her time as well. I understand that a call will happen and when it does I need to maintain that centered-ness I felt today.

            One important thing I learned today was it is hard to be compassionate, especially when something frustrated me.  There were times I wanted to tell someone to stop talking, especially side bar conversations because they were distracting.  I didn’t, but it did make me feel compassion for the presenter because their time was not being respected.  The other hard time today was in classes where we were expected to engage in discussions and conversations.  I wanted to be the heartfelt listener and be reflective but a scripted discussion makes that kind of hard and there were times I stopped myself from talking so that I was being an active and intent listener but other times I felt I had no other choice but to step in.  Was this “un-compassionate” of me? I don’t think so because it was a moment for me to reflect on why I spoke and more importantly what I said. I also struggled today with genuine compassion- what does this mean? What does this look like? I feel that I am a genuine person, I lay it out there and it is what it is. I am as honest as I can be.  Today, honesty was important in showing true compassion and not the idea of “fake it till you make it.” Yes, I held open more doors, was more conscious in my manners, greeted more people than usual and double checked that I said please and thank you. Was this compassion? I think it is part of showing others respect and that is part of compassion. Should my day of compassion have to start over because I accidentally kicked George in the leg under the restaurant table? No, I apologized and was genuine in my apology because it was not intentionally and a complete accident.  Did my day need to start over because I had a moment of negativity towards outside forces? No, I needed to reflect on why I was being negative and what I could do differently next time.  This day of compassion was about over coming obstacles; obstacles that cause us to give up on positive energy, compassionate and heartfelt moments. 

            I wanted what I did today to be a reflection of what my first day of compassion could be. I wanted it to be reflective, full of listening to others, and trying to reach out to someone.  While I feel my first two goals today were accomplished, the third is still there.  I will try again tomorrow to reach out to my sister even though the day is over and see what transpires but overall I would say I had a great day.  Even though there are so many things to stress about and so much to do, today was the most relaxing day in weeks.  Every time I worried about something, I found something that was a much large issue.  Today was not centered on me, it was centered on those around me and when you look at it in that light, I have miniscule things to stress me out compared to the rest of the world. Today was not perfect, but no days ever really are.  What I failed in today, I will work on doing better tomorrow.  What I succeeded in today will make me stronger and more compassionate tomorrow.