Compassion isn't always easy

           Too often we are blind to the needs of others. It doesn’t make us bad people; we are just wrapped up in our own lives. We do help people when we have time or it crosses our minds. We hold doors. We smile when we pass each other. We help a neighbor move. We drop our left over change into the charity jars at the grocery store. We donate to a cause around Christmas time. But, does this make us compassionate people or just decent human beings?

           What is true compassion?  I couldn't help but remember something someone said to me this last year, “It’s easy to show compassion when it’s easy (meaning it doesn't inconvenience you).” True compassion shows in situations where compassion isn’t so easy. This made we wonder about where in my life is compassion really needed? Where have I been blind to a need? Who needs my compassion? And where might it not be so easy to give.” I thought about the compassion meditation and the people I envisioned during that experience. I knew then that I needed to show compassion to the people I love, people I can have conflict with, strangers and myself. Here’s a run down of my day.

Phase 1: The people I love

My Kids: During the meditation I envisioned my babies (Tatum 14, Taylor 11). I cherish every moment I get with them. The unfortunate thing is life gets busy and sadly I don’t always give them the time they deserve. I made it my priority to not only spend time with them but to make sure they knew they are my whole heart and reason for living. We did more walking and talking than any of the activities I had planned for us to do. We talked about what they want and need from me, who in their life brings them joy, what the best and worst parts of the world are, what they hope for their future. These are all conversations we have casually around the dinner table or in the car, but somehow this was different. It wasn’t just conversation, it was communication. I felt connected to them in a new way. I understood them better and realized that my babies are growing up and have their own views of themselves and this world. This is something I will never forget and I will try to always be compassionate and understanding of their thoughts, beliefs and needs.

            My Cousin: Part of the meditation process was envisioning a person you love suffering. The idea of my babies suffering just about killed me. The hardest thing any parent ever has to do is watch their child suffer. During the meditation, I found my thoughts drifting to my cousin. She has 2 daughters who both suffer from Joubert Disease. Their whole lives have been spent in and out of hospitals. They both have faced dialysis, kidney transplants, immune system therapy, infection, transfusion and the list goes on.  Frequently I wonder how my cousin does it as a single mom. My heart goes out to her and I love them all dearly. I always think about how hard it must be for her to watch her children spend their whole lives suffering. They are in my thoughts in prayers but she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know if I care or think about them because I don’t tell her enough. I don’t call her very often and I really only see them once or twice a year. She deserves to know that I think about her and that I’m here for her. I called my cousin and talked about how the girls were doing (the youngest just got out of the hospital recently), how she was doing and about life in general. We made plans to get together soon. I feel guilty that it took this assignment for me to “step out of my own blindness” and reach out to her, but now that I have, I will never let life get to busy to show compassion to the people I love. Life is too short.

Phase 2: The people I have conflict with

            My mother: This might seem strange that my mom is in this category and not in the “people I love” category. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mom very much and not just because she is my mom, but because she is my friend and an amazing person. However, like all families, I assume, conflict arises. My family has strong Irish and German blood running through our veins. So it goes without saying that compassion and forgiveness are often shadowed by pride and stubbornness. I wont get too much into the story, but the gist is that my mother and I haven’t spoken in months (FYI she lives two blocks from me). This assignment made me realize that it was time for this to end. I wrote her a letter, not to speak my mind or to defend my stance, but to simply tell her that I love her and there is nothing that will ever change that. I told her that I will always be here for her and that I understand her feelings. I had my kids take her dinner and deliver the letter. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. It humbled me and I hope in time this act will rectify this conflict.

Phase 3: Strangers

The people we see everyday and never really see: This was hard for me. I tried to choose a group of people who needed compassion and needed to be reminded they are not forgotten. I thought about adopting a solider and sending a care package. I thought about putting together a gift basket for the women’s shelter here in town or volunteer my time at Northwest Children’s Home. But it wasn’t until I went to get coffee at Starbucks that I realized what I needed to do. I saw person after person make their demand for their drink of choice, barely make eye contact with the employees and hardly every say thank you. I realized that the people who I see everyday need to know that what they do is important and that I appreciate their good work. I told the girl who made my coffee that it was delicious and that it made my day. I thanked her, tipped her and told her that I appreciated her friendly service. Her smile told me that I was on the right track. The rest of the day I made sure I gave each person that served me in one form or another the gratitude they deserve for doing a job that is hard and unappreciated.

Phase 4: Myself

Me: The fact that the final part of my day of compassion was directed at myself speaks true to how I live, how many of us live. It is easier to put others before us because there are so many people who need our time, service, compassion and attention. It’s hard to take a minute and ask ourselves, “What do we need?” At the end of the day I finally got around to asking myself this question. At first the answer was nothing. I felt so complete and so fulfilled with everything I had done. I felt good. I felt I could go to sleep knowing I did everything I could that day to show compassion to others. In turn I met a need in myself to open my eyes, to no longer let my blindness guide my life. I thought about the things I have given myself in like, spending time with my friends and family, going to the spa, working hard at a job I love and continuing my education in this fellowship. That’s enough for me. These things that I have made time in my life to give myself have made me happy. Then I realized there was only one last thing I needed. I called my husband, who works in Alaska two weeks a month. I needed to hear him say he loves me. To feel loved and appreciated and remembered, that is what I gave others and that is what I need in return. 

Compassion isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes sacrificing time, money, and pride. Sometimes these things seem too hard to give up. My day of compassion wasn't easy. I faced my own failures and scarified time I thought I didn't have and pride I thought I would never let go of. In the end I realized neither of those are worth sacrificing compassion.

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of having ulterior motives. Be kind anyway... The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway..." - Mother Teresa